Pull My F*cking Hair

Download PDF Version

Rough sex was broached at lunch. And my friend —the epitome of the conservative girl next door —gritted her teeth and said, “YES. Yes. I want someone to pull my fucking hair.” As we all nodded in total agreement, she wondered aloud, “What does that say about us? Psychologically, I mean.”

As a woman, I flip-flop between wanting to be with a nice guy who treats me with concern and respect and dating that arrogant prick most people hate. The type of guy who whenever I see a friend with one, I shake my head and think, “Jesus, that guy is such a douche bag. Why is she with him?” (Men aren’t the only ones who want one type of person on the streets and another between the sheets.)

But with age and more wisdom, I’ve gravitated more toward the “nice guy.” However, despite appreciating decent, sweet men, my head still turns when I see the guy with the loud, fast car or the motorcycle, the obvious bad boy with sleeve tattoos, facial stubble and vascular forearms. Why? I've never been able to change a man so these relationships with bad boys nearly always end badly. I’m smart enough to know not to date that type, yet I still find myself drawn to it.

I want the bad boy because, quite honestly, he looks like trouble. Trouble means he will probably throw me down and ram me hard from behind, while pulling my fucking hair. (Not yank. Pull.) Sex is fantastic. Romantic sex is absolutely wonderful. But sometimes I just need to get slammed up against a wall and fucked.

There. I said it.

I want to be nipped at, tied up, spanked, and told what to do. I want a man to hold me down and lick my pussy until I can’t take it anymore…and then I want him to do it again with his fingers teasing my ass at the same time. If he won’t, I’ll eventually find someone who will. At least once. That’s just how it is.

There is an instinctual aspect to human’s that’s undeniable. We like to believe we’ve evolved into something superior to being animalistic, but it’s revealed in certain basic situations. We overeat when we’re not hungry because we’re genetically programmed to store food for the possibly stark future. We sleep more in the winter because it’s cold and dark. This innate animal nature is affects our sexual desires as well.

From Psychology Today: “This study is part of a growing body of research unveiling women’s dueling desires. On the one hand, women express wanting a relationship with a loving and committed partner for the long-term. Yet on the other hand, they demonstrate an attraction to men with darker personalities, typically for the short-term. It is important to recognize, however, that this dynamic has been shaped by the demands of evolution.”

And supposedly, the most common sexual fantasy for women is rape. (That’s not to say women want to BE raped.) Rape or near-rape fantasies are the main theme in romance novels. Often called “bodice-rippers,” a handsome man becomes so overwhelmed by his attraction to the heroine that he loses all control and must have her, even if she refuses–which she does initially, but then eventually melts into submission, desire, and ultimately fulfillment. Rinse, repeat and rename it Fifty Shades of Grey.

Sex researchers suggest that one reason for the prevalence of aggressive fantasies isn’t so much the rape itself, but rather the desire to feel a loss of control. Both men and women have a lot of responsibilities and must make a lot of decisions every day. We have to remain in control of our selves and our lives in order to get things done. And it is exhausting. Part of the pleasure of being ravaged or dominated is giving up control and responsibility and letting someone else make all the decisions for a little while. This is illustrated most obviously in the BDSM community, which takes giving up, or taking over, control to another level. But even for the rest of us, getting thrown down and fucked can be a nice little vacation.

Nice guys often bemoan, to anyone and everyone within earshot (and on every social network), how all women only love arrogant assholes. (Word origin for ‘asshole’: Latin. Meaning: “contemptible person”. Dated: mid-1930s. —*I wonder what these types of people were called in 1892?*)

This only-loving-assholes thing isn’t exactly true. There is such a thing as too nice. A woman doesn’t desire a sub or a fan. She wants an equal. Being a nice guy doesn’t matter if you’re a fucking doormat.

My Nice Guy loves his mom, won’t run around on me (I hope) and calls on the way home to ask if he can pick anything up from the store. He tells me I’m beautiful, kisses my neck and remembers things that are important. He holds the door open, does laundry, cooks and enjoys the same movies. He may even remember to put the toilet seat down. And, he will pull my fucking hair.

Women don’t love bad boys for being bad. They’re just attracted to the assertiveness and confidence. Confidence is a big one. Bad Boy Syndrome suggests someone who makes decisions. Some one who doesn’t need me, but wants me. I am attracted to tall, dark haired men, with broad shoulders, full lips and high cheekbones. If he is a certifiable nice guy, all the better. But if clones of this Nice Guy pull up and one is driving an automatic, four door, BMW sedan and the other is driving a slick, two door, stick-shift, BMW convertible, I’ll be more attracted to the guy in the stick-shift because he takes control of his car like a champ.

It’s not rocket science. This isn’t shallow materialism. It’s about who has the brightest feathers or the largest mane. As a mating ritual, the stick shift convertible is a show of testosterone and confidence. I’m using cars as an example. You can work it any way you want. Women respond to this sexually without even realizing because it’s ingrained into us for reproductive reasons. I want a strong male who will provide strong offspring, take care of the family's needs, and be able to protect me.

Nice guys don’t always finish last —not if they don’t want to.

Whenever one of my super sweet guy friends asks me, “Well, how do I do that?” I tell them it requires a little effort and practice, but it’s something anyone can accomplish. “Spruce up your appearance and wardrobe. It’s the first thing people notice. If you don’t “walk with purpose” and have good posture, fix it. A self-assured man takes up space. He is open and comfortable in his own skin. No rounded shoulders, holding yourself inward or covering up, dragging/shuffling your feet or crossing your legs the way a woman sits. Exercise and learn a new skill. Working out and an education are two things I do to invest ourselves that no one can take away. Maintain eye contact and speak clearly. Compliment others, but only if it’s genuine. This gives the impression that you’re not only confident, but a good judge of character. Avoid being mean; secure men build up, not put down. Learn to ask questions, listen and take an interest in what people have to say. Don’t be afraid to have fun and smile. Smiling is a big one.”

I know guys who aren’t that hot but get all the girls. They usually do most of the things I mentioned.

In the end, I am looking for a balance. Assertive and confident, but not arrogant and dominant. (Good candidates are men who are close to their moms, or were raised well by a single mother. They tend to have a more positive view of strong women from the norm. And I’ve used that as a marker for my friendships and how to choose my dates.) After all, I’m trouble enough for two and as long as he is a ‘think outside the box’ captain and not part of the crew, I’m perfectly fine with it.

As the relationship progresses, I want my guy to keep his own identity. I’ve had nice guys fall for me hard and devote all their time and energy to me, doing whatever it takes to make me happy. At first, this is welcomed and appreciated. But soon, I become bored or feel smothered. The very thing that fascinated me in the first place, HIM, is no longer present and that kills the attraction. But these guys could have kept it all from falling apart by remaining who they were when I fell for them.

This is where nice guys in the friend zone need to take a long, hard look at themselves and figure out if they are a pushover. We teach people how to treat us. We must set boundaries, communicate consequences and act on them, no matter what. Being overly accommodating or becoming someone’s servant is begging to be friend-zoned or walked on.

And yes, sexual satisfaction and fulfillment are very important. I am not willing to compromise on that in a relationship. So the Nice Guy can be wonderful, funny, good looking and rich. But, if the bedroom action is bad, boring or one-dimensional, it’s just not going to work for me. Life is too short to suffer through bad sex. In the bedroom, the nice guy needs to spice it up with little danger or masculinity. Pin me down and give it to me hard every now and again. I want variation. I want him to be raw one night, romantic the next. Get rough on Tuesday. But then be sensual and teasing on Thursday. And maybe incredibly dirty and nasty on Saturday.

I need someone who is my best friend —a person I respect, share ideas, look forward to spending time with, my partner in crime —whom I also want to fuck like crazy and give a blowjob while driving down the highway.

–While he wraps my hair around his fist.

April Hunter is a writer, professional wrestler, full-time student at Full Sail University, professional cosplayer and fetish model. She’s also a fitness competitor, former Met-RX & Extreme Nutrition spokes-model, the subject of several comic book characters, an admitted coffee snob, road rage enthusiast, Mother of Chickens and world renowned potty mouth. She uses the C-word as liberally as you use butter on your biscuits. Which you shouldn’t be eating, since you know…carbs and gluten.

See more of April on http://AprilHunterBlog.com Instagram @realAprilHunter Twitter @AprilHunter. She’s also on Facebook.com/realaprilhunter and owns AprilsScentSations Soy Candles.

Best reader response I've ever gotten on this blog:

I was doing some research and ran across this from a Bible passage. I thought you might find it interesting based on the article you posted earlier this week and some of the concepts you brought up:

"1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: 'It is well for a man not to touch a woman.' 2 But because of cases of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 This I say by way of concession, not of command. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has a particular gift from God, one having one kind and another a different kind." (1 Corinthians 7:1-9, NRSV)

This seems to be overlooked by many people who speak about sex and spirituality. While the concept does lead off with keeping sex between husband and wife, it goes on to discuss in great detail making sure that men and women are sexually satisfied and lack of satisfaction in a sexual relationship can lead to temptation. So even the Bible, while not quite the exact same terms you were speaking of in your article, does agree with the concept that if a man does not give his wife pleasure, he is not fulfilling his role as her husband, and it can lead to her straying or being tempted into outside affairs because of the lack of gratification.

So it is literally a man's spiritual duty to pull his wife's f*cking hair!